From Overwhelmed to Ownership: My Self-Management Journey

The experience you can’t fake

What’s unnerving is seeing so many people eager to consult on self-management without ever experiencing it firsthand. This journey is like no other; you need to live it to truly understand it. The challenges faced by founders within the team can be radically different from those of their teammates.

Without this direct experience, it’s hard to grasp the subtle complexities and demands of self-management. There’s a lot of talk about “putting people first” and “ensuring psychological safety”—but what does that actually mean in practice? How do you make it a reality?

These aren’t just concepts; they’re commitments that require specific skills, the courage to let go, and the patience to build a truly leaderful organization.

The laptop decision dilemma

Let me take you back to my first weeks at Corporate Rebels. I was given a laptop—an old one, mostly used as the “office laptop.” They told me I could order one of my choice. Here’s how my thought process went:

• Seeking approval – “Alright, I’ll pick a laptop and check with Pim & Joost (the founders) to make sure it’s okay and within budget.” They just looked at me blankly and said, “It’s up to you.”
• Crowdsourcing opinions – “Okay, I’ll talk with my colleagues to see what they’d do if they were in my position.”
• Double-checking for reassurance – After chatting with most of the team (didn’t want anyone thinking I was taking the piss), I went back and asked them all again—just to make sure.
• And again. And again.
• Taking the Leap – Finally, after way too much time, I decided I had enough input and placed the order.

Simply being told I could make a decision wasn’t enough. I quickly realized I was lacking the skills and mindset to make this choice comfortably. This is something the founders were blind to. They had never had to go through this experience before.

This small example taught me something huge: it takes more than a “self-managed” label and some clear practices to make an organization work.

Leadership dilemmas

This led me to a growing curiosity about leadership. I’d been feeling conflicted about it for a while. I was supposed to be feeling leaderful in my day-to-day work, but at times, I couldn’t have felt further from it. Constantly seeking approval or reassurance, second-guessing myself at every turn.

Not only that, but everywhere I looked—especially on LinkedIn—there were contrasting opinions about leadership. Some said it’s all about empowering others, while others argued it’s about strong guidance. And research on leadership selection methods even suggests that how a leader is chosen matters more than who gets chosen. I wanted to figure out where I stood on it—without just taking someone else’s word for it.

That’s when my colleague Joost recommended I check out Tuff Leadership.

Tuff Leadership

Tuff Leadership was founded by Karin Tenelius and Carl-Erik Herlitz in 2003.

When I describe Tuff Leadership to others, I often say it’s like they’ve stripped away all the fluff surrounding leadership and coaching. What’s left is a clear, straightforward methodology. From identifying personal pitfalls to practicing a handful of quick, empowering conversations, Tuff equips you to lead in a way that unlocks commitment and responsibility within your team. It’s practical, no-nonsense, and incredibly effective.

A pebble in my shoe

Take the concept of a “pebble” conversation, for example. Tuff describes pebbles as those seemingly minor annoyances in relationships—tiny irritations we ignore but that grow into major barriers over time. It’s like walking with a pebble in your shoe. At first, it’s tolerable, but the longer it’s left unaddressed, the bigger and more unbearable it feels.

Think about it. Maybe it’s a colleague who consistently arrives late to meetings or someone whose lack of attention during conversations rubs you the wrong way. These small moments, left unchecked, snowball into resentment, frustration, or disconnect.

My first pebble conversation

I’ve certainly had my share of “pebbles.” After completing the training, I didn’t have to wait long to put it into practice. It happened during a WhatsApp discussion at work. We were asked to vote in a poll, but I shared an opinion that wasn’t one of the options. A colleague responded bluntly and with clear frustration, basically saying, “Just pick one.”

It rattled me—I got that heart-racing feeling. Normally, I’d have brushed it off but let the frustration simmer quietly. Instead, I saw this as the perfect opportunity for a pebble conversation. Rather than stew over it for days, I picked up the phone.

I calmly explained how the message had come across to me, and then I listened. Really listened. I asked questions, not to defend myself, but to understand their perspective. It turned out they saw the poll as a quick, practical tool and preferred larger discussions to happen outside the WhatsApp group. Once I understood that, the tension melted away.

The result? A weight lifted off my shoulders, and instead of a lingering grudge, we had clarity and mutual understanding. That’s the power of addressing pebbles early—they don’t grow into boulders.

Collaborative decision-making

One of my roles at Corporate Rebels is the “Way of Working” role, essentially responsible for improving how we work together and refining internal processes. When I first stepped into it, I felt an overwhelming responsibility. I’d gather feedback, spot issues beneath the surface, and instinctively feel like it was my job to fix things or come up with the perfect solution—even when I tried to involve others in the process.

The Tuff Leadership training radically shifted this for me. Collaborative decision-making is one of their core teachings, and it gave me the tools to share responsibility in a way that empowers the whole team. Lisa Gill, one of Tuff’s trainers, outlines some practical tips for this:

• Be explicit about mandates: “This decision isn’t mine but the team’s—what do you think we should do?”
• Embrace silence: Let the silence create space for others to step in rather than filling it out of discomfort.
• Develop your listening muscle: Tune into both what’s said and what’s left unsaid. Reflecting back to the team can often spark clarity and action.
• Ask coaching questions: Ask questions like, “What’s needed to move forward?” or “What could be the first step?”

Once I started applying this, the weight lifted. Decisions about how we work together no longer sat solely with me—and they shouldn’t. For changes that impact the whole team, it’s far more effective when the team owns the process and the solution.

Not only have we reached stronger outcomes, but the shared ownership has created more commitment and alignment within the team.

Why we teamed up with Tuff Leadership

This training has been life-changing—not just for me but for our entire team. My transformation was visible, and soon most of us had been through this training. That’s why we decided to team up with Tuff Leadership to deliver the experience to others.

If you want to learn more about it, check it out here.

I’m always happy to talk about my ongoing journey with self-management. If you ever have any questions, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Let’s not be alone on this journey.